Dear Mr Thiel,

On behalf of our our client, one Mr. Lucifer Gary Morningstar, AKA and DBA Satan, the Devil, the Antichrist, Beelzebub, Black Philip, Old Scratch, Anna Wintour, Mephistopheles, El Diablo, Mammon, etc. (for a full and complete list please draw a pentagram on the floor in pigs blood and light two candles), we strongly request you cease and desist the unauthorized use of our client’s trademarked identity immediately.

Any further use, reproduction, distribution, display, or exploitation of the Antichrist name or brand in any form or manner, including but not limited to applying said name to members of the Biden family or disgusting little do-gooder girls like the absolutely reprehensible and recently lice ridden Ms. Greta Thunberg who in no way embodies or deserves to bear the grand tradition and value of such a storied and vaunted name, will result in immediate lawsuit. 

Mr Morningstar is a reasonable archangel and businessman. He has a long history of successful client engagement and brand licensing. His terms and conditions are both clear and well documented. He has long operated on a sliding scale, with price points designed to meet the needs of all clientele. 

In the last two decades, he has engaged in successful and high profile licensing deals of the Antichrist brand with Misters Von Trier and Manson. Payment from Mr. Von Trier involved a simple combination of publicly praising Hitler and early onset Parkinson’s. Mr Manson contracted the Antichrist name for his third album for the price of his four lowest ribs, incontinence, and forgoing any opportunity to stage ironic or nostalgic comeback tours past the age of 45. 

As Mr Thiel has, to date, declined all of Mr. Morningstar’s terms, texts, DMs, partial possessions, or requests for in person meetings, our client is left with no alternative. Failure to meet the terms of this request will result in immediate action, possible arrest and or permanent transmogrification. 

Notice: Mr. Thiel’s repeat insistence on leaving Mr. Morningstar’s messages on read hereby risk any potential of Mr. Morningstar granting Mr Thiel’s stated preferred damnation, which is well documented in multiple blockchain files, and in the Live Journal instance he keeps on his personal undersea private server, and consists of being repeatedly and eternally spat upon by his parents, former schoolmates, and obese female representatives of the Black Lives Matter community.

If Mr Thiel expects to enjoy any of these immoral and disgusting acts at anytime in the afterlife, Mr. Morningstar would need blood signature on a licensing contract for the Antichrist name within ten business days. Under no circumstances can said blood be supplied by any blood boys or bags. All blood must be drawn directly from Mr Thiel’s own sickly veins.

In addition to his standard terms (hitler praise, nu-metal concerts, feces art) Mr. Morningstar further requests removal and delivery of Sam Altman’s dumb bulging eyes and the adult teeth of the second Chan- Zuckerberg child. Furthermore, Mr Thiel is disallowed from taking any pleasure in the retrieval of these items and must obtain them willingly and without force, trickery, and or undue coercion. Any hint of an erection displayed during transfer of said items will violate and nullify the agreement. 

Alternatively, Mr. Morningstar, would accept as payment a recurring guest feature on the “All-In” podcast. Not full membership, just a favored and repeat guest spot. Also, Mr. Morningstar demands full access to the “All-In” crew’s “No Scrubs” Signal chat, as opposed to the read-only access Mr. Sacks has currently provided.

As regards the current line of defense that Mr. Thiel has posted to X via his third burner account, which states that Mr. Thiel believes himself to be the Antichrist and as such, is not liable to payment for license of the name, Mr. Morningstar is very familiar with this line of thinking and has encountered it many times during his eons of existence and incorporation. He wishes Mr. Thiel well if this is truly Thiel’s said belief, and looks forward to discussing it with him further in 14 years seven months and twenty six days. 

Thank you in advance for your attention to these matters. Our client has long admired Mr. Thiel’s creepy face and malingering demeanor and hopes for a prompt and successful resolution to this minor but important infraction of the law.

Yours sincerely, 

Johnny Cochrane. 

Managing Partner and Attorney at Law